by Barbara and Jim Twardowski on October 1, 2010 - 4:45pm
QUEST Vol. 17, No. 4
I was taught it is better to give than to receive. Don’t ask for handouts. Pull your own weight.
All my life, I told myself, “You are only handicapped if you allowed
yourself to be handicapped.” That belief worked for me when I could
still stand and walk. Now that my legs don’t function and my hands are
extremely weak, I recognize that my physical being has limitations. I
have readjusted my self-perception and understand that I need people to
help me.
Having lived through Hurricane Katrina (half our home was destroyed
by the storm), I have had a crash-course in accepting the assistance of
the U.S. government, the Red Cross, my church, friends, family and
strangers. For a few weeks, my family lived out of state. Although we
owned a home, we felt homeless. It took nearly eight months to rebuild
our house. During that time, I was depressed, scared, frustrated and
angry. People helped us move furniture, prepared meals for my family,
invited us to their homes for dinners, taxied our son and supported me
emotionally through one of the most difficult periods of my life.
When the house was repaired, the support ended. However, my disease
progressed. Unlike a national disaster, my difficulties have not been
broadcast on the evening news. My dependence on my husband, Jim, has
gradually increased. He not only cares for me, but has taken on more of
the household chores. Like nearly 50 million people in the U.S., Jim is a
family caregiver.
I am having trouble with daily living skills (dressing, bathing,
transferring, food preparation and more). Jim does not complain about
his added responsibilities, but I can see the extra work is stressful.
Our family may be approaching a major disaster, but no one is rushing to
our aid.
Most people find it difficult to ask for help. Even when
well-intentioned friends offer to help, I’m not sure how to respond. I
feel embarrassed.
In the book,
Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need
(Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2007), author M. Nora Klaver says there
are several reasons why people wait until they are desperate to seek
assistance. People are uncomfortable and afraid to ask. We value our
independence and no one taught us how to ask for help. She says that we
don’t recognize that we have a need until we are in a crisis. Often, we
are unclear about exactly what we need, or we ask the wrong person to
help fulfill our request.
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| A young neighbor who enjoys cooking assists the author occasionally in the kitchen. |
Learn how to ask for help
Klaver’s book details a seven-step “Mayday! Process.” The first step
is “name the need.” Be specific about the need and be open to
possibilities. This may sound simple, but it will take some analysis of
your situation.
Begin by making a list of the areas where you need a hand, such as
transportation, household chores, running errands, yard work, pet care.
Prioritize the list. What can be delegated to a service? Perhaps you can
hire a housekeeper or teenager to mow the lawn. What needs could be met
with volunteers?
Besides looking at my needs, I also consider what would make life
easier for Jim. In our home, we need help with meals. Although Jim
enjoys cooking, he can’t prepare dinner on the days he works a 12-hour
shift. Dining out is great, but our budget is limited.
Dennis Botts, a retired social worker and former director of the
Rapides Regional Medical Center located in Alexandria, La., accepted
meals from his church when he was recovering from cancer, and also
received tremendous support from his professional peers. Botts, who
recruits volunteers for the Red Cross, offers these words of advice:
“Networking isn’t formal. It is informal. Getting what you need — at the
level you need — takes bulldog persistence. Get over the problem of
asking for help. Tell them what you need. They won’t say, ‘No.’”
12 ways to ask for help
1. Brainstorm solutions with friends and family.
That’s how we came up with several ways to arrange affordable meals and
take the pressure off Jim. On Wednesday nights, we attend a church
supper and eat for $8. A family in our town cooks and delivers meals, so
occasionally we buy their entree of the week. Once or twice a month, I
cook with the assistance of a 10-year-old neighbor, Heather, who has
earned her Girl Scout cooking badge and taken cooking lessons. With
Heather’s assistance, I’ve made a variety of soups, casseroles and
desserts. Another friend has offered to cook us a complete meal once a
week, and we will pay her for the ingredients. During the summer and
holidays, we turn the kitchen over to our college-age son’s capable
hands.
2. Build a support network. Make a list
of everyone you know. Talk to friends, neighbors and family members,
matching their interest and talents to your needs. Connect and reconnect
with friends and family. Look for ways to meet new people by joining a
class or volunteering. If possible, meet with each person individually
to discuss how she or he can help.
3. Build a support network that also assists your family caregiver. “We should worry about the caregivers,” says Botts. “Caregivers get sick, tired and depressed.”
4. Tap into service organizations. I’ve gotten help from a local Girl Scout troop and teenagers who needed to fulfill service hours for their school.
5. Use a care coordination service like myMuscleTeam.
I created a support group e-mail list and send weekly notices telling
the “members” what days Jim is working. If I would like to tackle a
particular project, I explain what it is and ask for volunteers. MDA
recently created a more formal tool to accomplish this: the
myMuscleTeam
care coordination service. You — or your caregiver — create a calendar
of needs and then people who want to help can join your “community.” To
learn more, visit
mda.org and click on
myMuscleTeam. The service is free.
6. Keep a list of how others can assist you.
I write everything down, from changing a light bulb to picking up a
loaf of bread. That way I’m ready if a friend calls me before running an
errand. My friends don’t mind picking up a carton of milk or my dry
cleaning, especially when it’s a trip they planned to make. If someone
purchases an item for you, pay them when they deliver it.
7. Create short jobs.
For example, I told a few neighbors and close friends that I needed
“15-minute favors” on the days that Jim works. In 15 minutes, someone
can unload a dishwasher, put the trash out, walk a dog or help me file
mail.
8. Copy what other folks are doing. It’s one of the best ways to begin finding help, says Botts. Attend your
local MDA support group and talk to people, or join
myMDA,
MDA’s online community, to meet people with neuromuscular diseases and
their caregivers from all over the country. Ask them how they manage.
9. Dial 211 to find community services. This
program is available in 46 states.
10. Review MDA’s list of services by state. This
extensive list of government and nonprofit agencies, broken down by state, can be found on MDA’s website.
11. Think outside the box. For example, even if
you’re not a senior citizen, you might be eligible for the services
available to them, such as transportation. Perhaps you need a ramp built
and don’t have the funds to hire a carpenter. Call your local builder’s
association, and ask if they have a community outreach program.
12. Be grateful for the help you receive — and express your gratitude.
Send thank-you cards to helpers. Host a dinner (order takeout) to
recognize the people who make your life easier. “People like to be of
service,” says Botts. “You don’t want to deny them a good time.”